Desi Girl Called Isheeta

Good, Clean Fun

Definition of Good, Clean Fun:

Washing your beautiful new shiny BMW on a sunny day - good, clean fun.
Going bowling with the cousins and girlfriends - good, clean fun.
Paying your ever-increasing line of credit online - good, clean fun (in that you dont have to wait in line at the bank).
Reading a bedtime story to the little one - good, clean fun.

Isheeta - is NOT an activity, hence is NOT good, clean fun.

I am beginning to feel like a broken record that has had a carton of expired milk spilled all over. I feel like Calamity Jane high on steriods. You know what they all have in common? WAY PAST their expiry date.

I am most definitely not way past my expiry date. You know why? Because I'm fucking extra-ordinary! And so I definitely will not entertain, "but lets just have some good clean fun, baby!" from shitheads. Because baby, THAT phrase, those 3 llittle words - as beautiful they may sound to a guy are definitely NOT the 3 little words every girl hopes to hear from the man she is interested in. Those 3 words are the plague reincarnated. They belong to the dinosaur era! Grow up! Grow some balls! If you want to have fun with me, be a man and shoulder some of that responsibilities/difficulties/headaches that comes with being a MAN in a relationship.

Responsibilities are not that bad as one makes them out to be. Sometimes they are fun. Because in addition to headaches, they also come with perks. And you can only appreciate the value of perks, if you work for it. Like jobs.

Ive just spent the last week scouring job sites looking for employment. Now that I have finally finished this program, I can officially stop telling people that I'm a student, and have proceeded to promote myself to a professional B.U.M.

It is not pretty!

I dont know how people do it - I mean, stay patient. I am so damn impulsive. Not a good thing to write on your resume. Scouring for clothes and shoes in a busy mall with 70% off everything is comparatively a walk in the park. Writing random letters to strangers grovelling for an opportunity is like walking on hot coals using your nipples for balance (OUCH!!!!!!!)

I know this will be the most depressing, humbling, boring, excruciatingly painful time of my life. A guy telling you he wants to have only good, clean fun with you comes a relative close second to match this feeling. But you know what, I figure moments like these comes once in a blue moon (the job search, not the dickhead requests), so I figure I should prepare myself for the worst.

I need to be productive.

This is the worst part. How can you be productive, with no money? With gas prices shooting astronomical levels, Im restricted to Mississausage, where everything shuts down at 6 pm. Shopping is fun, but thats only good when youve had a bad day, and I cant do that EVERY day since unemployment days are all bad days. Ive joined a recreational club, but I will feel like such a loser going in ALONE. I got all pumped up today to go dancing... I drive all the way, can't find parking, and then I just... pulled a complete unIsheeta-like stunt. I drove back home. I couldn't fathom the thought of walking into one of these places alone. Even though every one walks in alone. Aargh! But thats ok, one can salsa for only so long till one gets sick of breathing in sweat fumes. Theatre is nice, but thats like being one of those losers who walks into a date movie alone. I cant do that. I forgot what it was like to have fun. I guess this is what all Type A personality Doctors must feel like... hahahaha.

How is it that I can't even have some Good Clean Fun on my own? How did I reach the epitomy of drollness? Is drollness even a word? Why am I up on a Saturday morning wondering if a word fits in the lexicon when I should be revelling in my new-found freedom minus books? My parents aren't here, I could go out all night and never even have to worry about curfew... and all I did was watch a bit of The Fugitive and a bit of Ice Age. And that was what was showing on the telly, not even rental... because I got too lazy to go out.

I need new hobbies. I need to be wonder woman all over again. I need to stop thinking about consequences of going out. I need to just get back into the game. Not THAT kinda game - sorry, player men are useless trolls. I need to laugh at just stupid Good Clean Fun game requests from fucktards and just do stuff like ... I dunno, play ultimate frisbees or joining a league or going to picnics or feeding kittens at the Humane Society or just painting the town red.

I need to get Serious and Dirty.

The funness in being stalked

Thank you, my precious South African readers from bringing me out from the cold!

So much has been happening...

++ The SUN is out. The beloved sun wanted my company all week.. how could I resist? mmmm, Ish has missed the sun like the roses missed the rain... purrrrrrrrrrr hehehe
++ I got lazy = facebook.. stupid @#@#$$% facebook
++ Working out - Ive been on the Abs Diet .. so-so. It's been tough, pretties! My rotund brothas and sistahs, I NOW know what its like, I am sorry for all of the name calling pertaining to lard in the past, forgive me oh ye of large natures! But I have lost 6 lbs and working out every day and eating healthy so YES! It MAY just work, sistahs.

And now, the mother of all posts...

Do you remember the guy who called ME clingy? No? Do your homework, here!

You know what I most like about being me? The fact that destiny is so true to me... so what if one day a butcher asks me out.. so what if married men with prams give me the eye... the very next day, the sense of balance is returned when people who have jacked me over get the s*** that is due to them.

2 weeks after the jackass who called me clingy made me realize how stupid it was of me to give hope to mankind for dating my beautiful ass, he sends me a random text message.

Now since I deleted this twit from my phone, I was kinda confused as to who it was... was it, errr, my ex who has recently ditched me a 2nd time around (also deleted from phone).. was it the talkative Sally I went on a date a few weeks ago.. was it the other guy who I can't even rememberthenamebutitwasinYorkdalemall... It is SO hard being so popular and not knowing who you are supposed to have ditched or vice-versa!

I am almost tempted to text him back with ... "who are you?"hahahhahahahahhahahaa... Im sure he would have been so pissed... wth are you supposed to say when you realize you've been deleted off someone's list?! OUCH!

Anyways, so he sends me a reply back... we are exchanging pleasantries on sms when I realize it is the moron who called me clinger (henceforth known as The Real Clinger). It is quite.. blah, to say the least so I cut him off by saying that I have a meeting. He asks me if he can call me later. I LAUGH so loudly that I almost pee at my non-meeting.. but I say yes...

Things can only get better. - show-time people! Take notes, The Art of Slow Torture by Ish and co-authored by Sun Tzu begins!

On clockwork, The Real Clinger calls me after he's done work. I am about to head to the gym... I look at the caller ID blinking... and then I click on "Reject call"

:D It's only begun.

I've come back from the gym, taken a shower,  watching telly, when I see a message from The Real Clinger asking me if I am free to talk. I tell him I'll call back in 10 minutes. I finally wait 15 mins, then call back.

And I call back, and it is the most boring convo in the history of stalking.

The Real Clinger asks me if I am surprised at his calling back. I tell him no, not really... I wasn't expecting it, but I'm not surprised either. I can hear his disappointment on the phone.. and I stifle a smile at the other end.

Then The Real Clinger asks me if I wanna do something over the weekend.. I tell him no, I've got more important things to do. He tells me maybe next week.. I tell him I'll see.

I finally tell him I have to wake up in the morning, and he lets me off.

Over the next few weeks, I kid you not, EVERY 24 hours at the very least... The Real Clinger has been calling me.. texting me... wanting to see me... stalking me to say the least!

And I've been ignoring him. Sometimes I give him hope, I respond to his texts, I talk to him... and sometimes I'm the opposite. I cannot help but feel this sense of insane sadism as I do this. Have I become The Real Bitch here? Naaaaaaaaaaah!!!!

I'm not sure what is it that he wants from me -  he's the one who told me that I was clingy, he's the one that admitted to having problems with commitment in our predictable future, he's the one who brushed me off and made me feel so small.. and NOW, he is running after me, a few times every other day. I'm thinking when he was telling me that I was clingy, he meant HIMSELF, not me and my ears weren't workng right!

To top it off, his messages border on pathetic. When I finally confronted him and told him that sorry, my priorities do not include him, I could hear him sob thru his texts:
"but can't we just be friends, can't we?"
"I like being friends with you, you're cool to be with"
"are you free this weekend to squeeze me in your busy schedule?"
"Hey are you awake? can I call?"
"hey how was your weekend, did anything fun? enjoying the weather?"

I'm just rolling my eyes here.

Since I have been ditching him, he has since resorted to the pity card - taking advantage of my kindness by making himself look pathetic and making me pity him... "I feel like you don't care for me anymore" (hahhahahahhahahahhaa, oh that was classic!) because when I finally realized how LONELY he really is, I pitied him. How desperate and lonely does one have to be to chase after someone who they chased away by calling them clingy when in reality, he's the clinger himself?! WOW, that is the lowest of all low in the realm of patheticness... and The Real Clinger is at the bottom of even that. 

The Real Clinger: "oh, you're out shopping, what are you getting me?"
isheeta: "nothing, whats the occasion?"
The Real Clinger: "None, just because."
isheeta: "Well, cmon, you gotta do better than that."
The Real Clinger:  "...pause... it would put a smile on my face"
isheeta: "you should have a smile on your face as it is with this gorgeous weather"
The Real Clinger: "Well maybe you can see it when you see me this week weekend?"
isheeta: "I have a date this week so I cant promise anything"
The Real Clinger: "ok"

I think that should finally stop him. It's been 2.5 weeks of stalking. I'm not sure how celebrities enjoy being hounded by paparazzi. I've got one local stalker and while its a great ego boost, it is also coupled with feelings of pity and I don't like doling out the pity card unless you're a homeless animal or a child in some war-torn country.

Before the stalker started stalking me, I felt amazing. Now that I ditched him, I feel like I'm on top of this world! Maybe the sun helped, I dunno, but I am funnier in person, happier, and loving every bit of life.... I dont care that RedBull cut me off AGAIN (hahahhaa, tooo funny... looooooooser cuz I rejected him AGAIN), I dont care that Im graduating and freaked out about job prospects, I dont care that my parents are looking for a boy for me from the homelands (a post in itself - those convos are coming soon, As'ad!), I don't care that I hated the last clubbing session with some dumb blonde girl, I don't care that my arms are big.. no, ok, THAT I care.

This initiative to be a bitch made me realize how nice I was to so many people for the ungodly reason that I hated confrontation, but now I realize it's been so good for me. I think for myself, I'm back in to the groove, and I love it love it love it!

And I love you, TaKilla, Kanai and Scrumplicious, for those beautiful comments in the last post! Esp Kanai :) You rock buddy.

Stop. Bullshitting. Me. Part 2

I wasn't going to post about this, but I need to bitchfest so badly at the moment that if I don't, I'm afraid my head will fall off and explode and splatter my laptop with blood which will not be a very pretty scene to clean up.

Warning: excessive swearing. I will not be very lady like here. If you don't like and will be pissed off, please leave now. I will not apologize.

So I met this guy, totally out of the blue, when I had nary a hope of dating any other man on this planet. I didn't give him hope's bells in getting past the first date because we all know my track record is by now half a date at the most.

But like a true charmer, he did win me over. I'm such a sucker for good manners. There are so many assholes these days that if you so much as open the door and pay for dinner, chances are I will think you are the Dalai Lama. He met me one day, and then he asked me out for the next 3 days.  And when I implied that no, sometimes people have plans consecutive days, he implied that maybe it means that she's really not that into him and since he is true metrosexual sensitive guy, that would sorta hurt.

And since he was SO DAMN AMAZING, and I didn't want to play any dumb cat-and-mouse games with him, I complied. Like a true subservient stupid foolish dumb South Asian woman, I complied. He called me every day like a dutiful husband to be, and I never missed a call. I laughed at any and all dumb jokes. I listened to any and all dumb conversations that had nothing to do with world news or events, that had nothing to do with anything of MY interest, that had nothing to do with travelling, that had nothing to do with pop culture, that had nothing to do with anything I liked. I listened with an open mind. When he stressed that he just didn't want to play games and wanted to get into a relationship, I listened. He even implied that maybe I should meet his little niece and family. I did everything that an old married couple would do, even laughing at the funnies together .. we did everything except the bedroom benefits.

A few days later, he tells me that... I... *sniff* that I'm clingy.

.
.
.
.

After taking extreme precautions to give in to HIS requests for night outs.. to coffee meets... to random meets... to random phone calls... to not hurt HIS feelings because I was under the assumption that we were on the same wavelength...  I was being told that I was needy.

THIS, to a woman, who chews guys out the first date if they are so goddamned boring. This to a woman who needs to clear out her calendars to get a toilet break. I never even told him to call me every day! to go out every day! SO NOW IT IS MY FAULT THAT I GAVE IN TO YOUR NEEDS?!

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THIS FUCKING WORLD?!!!!

Now I just got a call. And I was explained. Apparently I was too available. Apparently I was too bubbly and active for him. Apparently I just gave in too easily. Apparently I have all the virtues and traits to be a loving mother, but I am not good enough to be commitment material because I AM TOO FUCKING THOUGHTFUL about other people's needs. Nobody likes some dumb nice bitch. Apparently for a relationship to be borne into fruition, the MAN must love the woman MORE than she loves her. Who gives a shit that woman are genetically pre-disposed to be the more loving and nurturing gender... no, that is utter cockshit.  In order for a relationship to work, the MAN must love the woman ten times more than the girl will ever love the guy. Apparently I MUST play games INITIALLY, no matter how many times they say that they dont like mind games.

I have no idea where the fuck people come up with such piece of shit. What the fuck is wrong with them?! I hope and pray these people stay single for the rest of their pathetic lives. I hope they never have kids and..... oh wait, if theyre 60 when they have their first born, I guess that means they'll be dead by the time the kid can speak. Awesome. I hope this happens to every Tom Dick and Dickhead that have such fucked up reasoning in their uneducated brains.

My life will be so much better if I were to live in a world where there are only shoes for amusement. I am sick of dumb stupid dating games. I go to a date after like 2 months and I get my heart bitchfried on. I wasn't even looking. I didn't even want to do this. But what do I do? I do it. Gah. I've even told that to my parents, and then they set me with dumb potatohead morons, who look and sound like something the crocodile spewed out. And then I get more and more crankyness from random relatives and family. And then I have to resort to this piece of crap lifestyle inundated with dates. I just want to be a nun now. I am through through through with life. I am so happy just doing my school shit so I can be a corporate slave and just travel the world one day and maybe get eaten by some cannibals in the Amazon rainforest one day. That is now my life long dream. Anything is better than this. I have no interest in sex. I have no interest in kissing. I have no interest in relationships or other forms of lies. I am sick of crying and wondering what the hell is wrong with me or what the hell is wrong with the next jackass on the street. I am sick of making an effort to listen to utter bullshit only to be told that I am the one thats bullshitting. I am sick sick sick of these fabrications and these mating rituals that makes arranged marriages look like a game of musical chairs. I am sick of men. I am sick of playing normal. I am sick of being so thoughtful and then getting slapped in the face because apparently I am too nice???? WTF is that about? I  am sick of people who say they dont like games and then they do just that.

Why don't people just do what they say?! Is it so wrong to be honest for ONCE in your life?! You won't die from being honest, trust me! It's worked for me! And I'm still alive! Yes, it is one long bloody existence, but you get to sleep at night knowing that you dont have to remember any lies!

I don't get it. I just don't get it. WHAT DO MEN WANT?! Why cant they just figure it out first without messing my bloody head first?!

Love Story # 458760

I went on a date recently.

(Sorry fundos, but I'm a starving student these days and I needed a free dinner at a nice place and something had to give.. plus we had chaperones.. namely, the waiters. that pitied.)

So this is what happened:

He looked at me.  Smiled.
Many times.
I smiled. At the lights.
Many awkward silences.
I'm thinking he is shy.
So I talked.
I asked questions.
He responded.
I gave up.
The food was shit.
He finished his plate.
I scrammed.
The next day, he called up for a 2nd date.
Abort.

THE END.

Sorry, I can only embellish so much.. I'm only a blogger, not a Pullitzer-prize writer.

Moral of the story:

if you're gonna date
for a mate
don't just look at your plate

play the game
don't be lame
ask for more than just her name

ask if she's ever been to france
maybe if she likes to dance
and maybe you'll get a second chance

Thus ends our little tragedy. Hope you enjoyed. Ta!

 

How To Lose a Girl in 10 Minutes

When you're just getting to know someone, say a girl, it's always good to assume that she is an emotional person. Now I know what the guys are thinking - most women these days are pretty headstrong, and thus cold-hearted, but if you're looking for something a little more relationship material, or a little less permanent like just trying to get in her pants, it is always safe to assume that she will be an emotional person, simply because.. well, a woman is not a man and thus that is the status quo to assume.

Say, for example, a scenario when the woman you are interested in just got the bad news a relative of hers died. Ouch, tricky tricky! What is a guy to do?

I know! This might be a stab in the dark, but I'm going to give it my best shot here.... how about some sensitivity?!

I mean, ok, so you didn't kill her relative... so its not your fault.. so why should you care... but hey, you're a member of the human race, so try practising some empathy, that should help!

In other words, this is a great opportunity to score some brownie points! A shoulder to cry on, if you will. A side showing your softer, gentler, understanding side.

A few days ago, some guy who hasn't talked to me in ages (and so barely knows me) suddenly calls me out of the blue. He is pretty pleasant, so I play it cool.

The next day, he calls me again. I am, at this time, devastated by the news and when he asks me what's new, I tell him the bad news, and that well, I'm a bit preoccupied since I'm not really sure what to do when someone I know has died.

He says oh. Then he goes on talking. About the Autoshow. Laughing. Jokes. Thats nice. I'm all goosebumps (sarcasm). I really don't feel like talking to this twit by now so I tell him I gotta go and about to hang up when...he asks me what I'm doing for the weekend. I tell him, most probably attending the funeral and grieving with the family cuz that is what people do when someone dies.

He goes.. after a few minutes.. so do you want to go out for coffee over the weekend?

Yeppers! See what I mean? He could have scored a million brownie points... but not only did he throw away the brownies, but he also made sure there will be no batter, now or ever!

Another facet to observe when you're faced with bad news that would mean someone is going to be grieving for a while, is the delicate issue of sensitivity in timing.

Observe.

I got invited to a Raptors game. Now, if you are a man.. lets call him... Dying To Get In Your Pants (DTGIYP), who's been trying for the longest time, you would think this was the ideal opportunity to offer comfort and solace... secondary goals are key (comfort and solace) to ensure your eventual acquisition of the primary goal (getting into pants).

So DTGIYP offers a shoulder to cry on.

On Saturday, while still going through rituals of mourning, something really bad happens to my mum. She is, to put it mildly, bleeding from places where she shouldn't be. My mum is frazzled for her bleeding self as well as her relatives, my dad is frazzled that my mum is frazzled and injured to boot, and I'm frazzling exponentially by now because my dad being diabetic and hypertensive is not good news for frazzling purposes, period.

So I take my mum to Emergency, which should really be renamed to the Extended Torturous Resort, because after having gone to Emergency for my nephew, my brother, my sis-in-law and now my mum, I'm well aware that in Canada, that is exactly what it is. Unless you show up with your head cut off, the staff of 2 doctors and 10 nurses in Emergency do not have the power to give you the precious treatment you so need during the 10 hours you spend waiting for them to see you.

Since DTGIYP is somewhat in health care, I sms him for advice. DTGIYP is not much help, but he is sincere, which is nice. Half an hour later, when my mum is still waiting for the doc to see her, and I am still freaking out... DTGIYP sms'es me...

"so, just to confirm.. you're not able to make it to the Raptors game on sunday, yeah? Ive got someone else in mind, so don't worry about me.. hope things get better"

Wow. Tackiness breeds contempt, anyone?!

At 2 am Sunday morning, DTGIYP sms me to confirm again.. that Ive cancelled for Sunday... and if I can get away. Nothing about my mum. Is she alive or dead? nope, nothing. Definitely someone you would want to bring home to your parents, n'est-ce pas?! I told him I wasn't in the mood... because frankly, I'm never EVER going to be in the mood at this rate for this lew-ser.

You know, if there's anything I've learned, is that it's always good to know who your fair-weathered friends are in dire situations.

As for the doctors.. well, maybe Grey's Anatomy has spoiled me. Life, or doctors, are nothing like Grey's. Welcome to reality baby. But I guess when you see people dying every day, you sort of become desensitized to the people you're helping.

The doctor that saw my mum was really rude. We waited for 10 hours, and he sees her for 2 minutes. His biggest concern was WHY we didn't take my mum to her family physician (who is on vacation). He finally said, "she's fine". That's it. No explanation. No nothing. Apparently bleeding from places she shouldn't be is not really an indicator to worry. I literally ran after him so he could tell me what was wrong with her. He gives me a frustrated look. Well, excuuuuuuuuse me for not having graduated from the school of quack doctors with no bedside manners! The least you can do is tell me what the fuck is wrong with my mother so I never have to come see your ugly mug and waste that precious 2 minutess of your godforsaken life, you fucking moron!

You know, I'm the gopher when it comes to taking my family to the hospital. By now, I should have accumulated enough frequent flier miles for hospital trips to earn me all inclusive round-trip tickets to the Seychelles! I've been in the Emergency Rooms of 3 major hospitals, for 4 different occasions.. and none of them were for me. I've seen enough sick people to make me want to go to the gym every day for the rest of my life. I don't want to live forever, but I do want to live a life where I never have to see a doctor again. When I die, my one wish is that people don't bawl their eyes out like crazy or if I get run over by a truck, please take me home and switch on the Borat movie - do not take me to Emergency where I will probably bleed out while waiting for those precious doctors who really don't have the time nor the bedside manners to see me.

Stuck in a place where I was surrounded by people better AND worse off than me, in a place that was filled with never-ending consumption of caffeine laced with frustration, having seen bouts of desensitization in so many people, I realized that ... man, it is so easy to lose faith - in yourself (inversely proportional to your faith in God though!). It becomes so easy to become cynical. To question motives. To question meaning. To question people. To question your choices in everything that you do.

I've questioned a lot about myself over the weekend. Will I leave any sort of legacy for people to look past my death within 30 seconds and bring up conversations about Autoshows or Raptors games anytime soon? Am I doomed to meet losers? Will I ever get a professional job and have minions working under me? Will I ever figure out how to work the TV and DVD and the satellite simultaneously?! Will I ever find a decent pair of jeans that I don't have to hem? Will they ever make hospitals in my lifetime where an Emergency situation is taken care of immediately? Will I ever get to meet Chuck Norris?!

I know, riveting stuff. Makes you question life, the validity of your being... I dunno, maybe its my way of being desensitized to the holy crapola around us. 10 minutes, 10 days, 10 years - does it really matter at the end of the day?  You lose so much just by being like these doctors desensitized little Florence Nightingales and dipwads. I hope by watching what these guys have lost, I become the kind of person who would be anything but. 

Anything but normal

Today Mandy Moore made entertainment news by claiming that she just wants to date a "normal" guy.

That is nice, Mandy, its nice knowing that even a beautiful Hollywood actor such as yourself has a hard time finding a "normal" guy. And here I was thinking that maybe I should be writing a stern letter to the Big Guy upstairs to stop sending me freakazoids, because maybe I was the only one who attracted said desperados. Na-uh, I am NOT alone.  (and judging by the comments, none of the female readers are alone in this scenario either, so YAY, I feel like I'm the freaking QUEEN at the moment!)

I have to disagree though, I dont think I want a "normal" guy myself - because every coward, liar, taken, gay, eligible, hot men that I meet... claim they are "normal"!

"What can I say about me, Isheeta, I'm pretty normal! I like to go out, watch Youtube, go for long walks, talk to my cat, eat my nails..."
"I'm shy, I don't lie like most guys.. I'm not a freak like them, I'm VERY normal, as you'll realize once you get to know me! ... I thought you just wanted sex, y'know, like normal people?"
"I *just* want a normal girl, you know Ish, because I'm the most normal guy I know! So what if I call you with my number blocked?! Don't you like surprises?!"
"Man, people who don't smoke or drink aren't normal, bleagh.... but I'm normal, I smoke, and I drink!"
"So anyways, if you're not doing anything, like Friday night, how would you like to get together for a coffee? Just something normal you know, maybe at Timmy's? So anyways, I will wait for you to get back to me. Anyways, nothing fancy, just something normal. Because I'm normal. So anyways, bye."

Sigh.

If this is normal, I want NO part of normalcy. I know they make for great blog fodder, but give me an eccentric, crazy, out-of-this-world whackjob any day!

The "anyways" guy - a pox on the bleedin' auntiji who is the messenger in this morbid scenario. That man who scans documents for a living, and would put Youtube as his hobby on an application (shudder), is asking for a possible phone/meet. I thought an email insulting his town/music tastes/pants would help, but apparently the christmas spirit is alive these days because he is unfazed by my bitchiness completely unrelated to PMS. I feel a bit weirded out because my mum is not here to help things, and now when I do express my reluctance at this, I will have to bear the brunt of the blame. Ugh. Very fugly!

Oh well. I'm back to MY NORMAL sarcastic "itsallaboutMOI" self, so I guess this shall be another one of THOSE blog journals. =D

In other news, I hate snow. Who wants to go tobogganing?

Call for Fatwa to auntijis

I am so pissed right now I could be a Cyclone Sidr myself (prayers and condolences to Bengalis out there).

One of the many auntijis who should be shot at sight or swept away by cyclones recommended this bloke to me who ... who.. I am SO MAD I AM GOING TO EXPLODE....  to cut a long story short: I will have to hand him an instruction manual to de-virginize himself because frankly it is clear as hell's bells that he has no friends, no taste in music, a job that does not involve utililizing brain cells (try scanning documents for a living), and probably lives alone with 50 cats.

JUST LEAVE ME ALONE AUNTIJIS I BLOODY HATE YOU I WOULD RATHER BE SINGLE FOR THE REST OF MY DEMENTED LIFE!

PS: thanks for all your comments, people. I love you. Unless youre an auntiji.

Married Men - Part 2

I know it's like beating a dead horse if I make an Episode 2 out of the Married Men story, but consider this as some kinda exclusive HDTV limited time-only programming.

The dude that asked me out the other day - I really couldn't have given a shit about. I mean, ok, he has a miserable marriage probably, his problem.

But I guess what really affected me was this.

I was facebooking, the day after, when I really should be doing my assignments or studying for my weekly exams. Somehow I come across a friend's profile.

For simplicity's sake, I shall call this guy - Lying Bastard.

I dont know how to start about Lying Bastard. I've never met him. One day I was online. He found me from some online forum. This was 3-4 years ago.

So he finds me, we chat, and before you know it... LB tells me he REALLY likes me. Over the phone. I still hadn't met him.

I think I really liked him too. I mean, he was so funny. I love funny guys. But I hold back. How many lightbulbs does it take to fall for a guy from some online forum? None, what you need is a dodobird instead called Isheeta.

Finally, after a looooong drawn-out phone courtship where all you do is talk about everything except sex (YES!), I come out and admit I like him too. And I tell him that it is only natural that we meet.

But he wouldnt budge. No, no time to meet. Maybe later. Until one day...

Lying Bastard comes clean and tells me "oops, sorry! Didnt mean to lie, but I have a girlfriend! TA DAAAAAAAAAA!!!!"

I, Isheeta, Ms innocent dumbass, cry like a baby instead of issuing a fatwa for his head. He calls me, continuously, asking for forgiveness. I am in no mood. I mean, hello! I am so dumb that I fell for a guy who:
1) I had never met
2) from online
3) over phone calls
4) WTH was I on

Anyways, after he keeps bugging me to forgive and forget and lets finally be friends, I finally forgive him for lying to me. It takes me a few months to get over Lying Bastard (despite me never having even seen him FACE TO FACE!), but it works.

Lying Bastard and me still kept in touch - birthday calls, Eid calls, NY calls, Christmas calls....  friendship calls. We just talked. Eventually, the frequency of calls went down.

And frankly, this is when Isheeta started developing a brain, because I can't even imagine these days even liking someone knowing I had NEVER MET THEM! I mean, c'mon! How naive was I???? How can you like someone you haven't even met?! I can imagine you liking someone you haven't even met - eg, readers reading my blog love me hehehhehee.... but hey, that is because you read and know about my life! Or maybe you like me because you dont know me well enough! WIth him, I thought I knew him... but I didnt... sort of like public's love for Hollywood bimbos.

Anywyas, my parents would have been so proud... they would have said, "gee, Ish, if its that easy for you to like someone without even meeting him, why do you make a big fuss about arranged marriages?! Arranged marriages are all about marrying someone you dont even know! OOH YEAH!"

So our weekly calls become monthly calls...
monthly calls became quarterly calls...
quarterly calls became annual birthday calls...
until one day....
Isheeta joins facebook....
and stumbles upon Lying Bastard (gotta love this 6 degrees of separation business).

All is well. Lying Bastard has a public profile... privacy shmivacy.

Lying Bastard is also married.

Lying Bastard was married before even talking to me.

Ouch. So. That kinda hurt. I know I'm sort of stupid in the love department and all, because having taken years of Psychology, I have learned nothing. Absolutely NOTHING. I have learned nothing about people, nothing about reality, nothing about subtle signs and hints, nothing about the shady nature of people, nothing nothing nothing. I learnt how to write long essays with big words where you'd need thesaures to look up their meanings, but I had learnt nothing substantial to carry me forward in this life to avoid getting lied to.

I know its not my fault.. I didnt know Lying Bastard was married. He never let it on. I dont know how I was ever supposed to figure that out (gee, ish, maybe him never wanting to see you would have been a nice indicator huh!), but I dont know.. I feel sort of betrayed. I feel sort of sad for Mrs Lying Bastard - she's stuck with a liar. Sucks. I mean, I know I never met him so nothing happened. I only talked to him on the phone. I saw ONE picture of him to this day. And it was clean talk. But still. Its the principle of it I guess. I'm not playing the pity card here - I mean, he's the one who lied. To me and the Mrs. So, still. A liar. A married liar.

I know one day I want to get married. People are dropping like flies at the moment when it comes to singlehood. Biting the bullet. Finding the one. Handcuffs and sexy lingeries! Like I said in the previous post, I'm pretty cool with waiting because with all the happy wedding stories, I also hear depresso married life stories, so I get it... I am happy now, and I am cool with meeting the right dude and slapping him for being so late.

But then there are people who are flirting in my face and I don't realize, there are people who like me and I don't give them the time of day, there are people I have run after and they have walked all over me, there are people who lie to me in front of my face, and then there are people who are married and cheat. Not on me, but with me.

Like, why ME?  At the end of the day, I feel like a fool.

Is this what married life entails? Smokes and mirrors? Touche. I feel like a fool.

Married Men

Today, a married man asked me out.

Nice. First, I have desperate pity men asking me out to love them since they have lost the ability to love themselves. Now, I have married men. Let me see, what other category of men do I need asking me out to fulfill my desires?

How about a man with a wooden leg? You don't see a lot of those these days. He'd be good to tap away at all day, sort of like how you want to bang Bobbles head all day. Or how about a man who is growing an Amazon rainforest on his chest? It would be nice to lay my head on a swirling mass of curls so that my head along with my problems can be entangled and vanish away. Oh wait, how about a man with paan-stained teeth whose mouth resembles a 300 bloodbath? Yes, if I could meet a man who has ALL those, that would be the icing on the cake.

Shouldn't married men be doing something more useful in their life? Like, I dunno, working late nights in the office trying to pay off that mortgage for which they have sold out their soul? Shouldn't they be going grocery shopping with their wives and checking out random women at the cashiers?  Shouldn't they be flicking the remote while their wives bitch to them about how he never listens to her anymore?  Shouldn't they be making plans with their boys about poker night or Wii/Xbox/Playstation nights or talking about cars which they can never drive or whatever plans married men make that has to do with playing with their 'joysticks' with their friends? Shouldn't married men be.... I dunno..... what are married men supposed to do..... I KNOW! ....now hold on.... this is just a thought, a suggestion if you will so dont shoot me.... but shouldn't married men be staying faithful AND loyal to their wives who they have sworn to love and cherish for the rest of their painfully isolated lives from the rest of the single world, because I dunno.... isn't that what being married entails?!

This is not a dig at  married (or recently haha) men... it is a just a dig at the obvious.

Also, if you're going to be a married man, and are taking the time to ask me out... please, take off that wedding ring. Newsflash: single women aren't as stupid as they look.

Also, just because I am single, does not mean I am desperate. I KNOW that I will find a guy one day and get married one day. So I'm cool with it. I mean, I'm not that evil that God will punish me by making me a celibate for the rest of my life. I know life is unfair and all that shit, but life isn't that unfair. I know I have to go through a few frogs to get to my prince... well, actually, more like frogs and toads and hairy monkeys and donkeys and other assorted earthworms, but you know what? It's cool, I'm fine. Its all a matter of time. I've dealt with so much dipshits in my life that right now, I think I am way ahead in the dipshit circle. I know there's a mad rush to see who's first in the the isolated-stuck-for-the-rest-of- my-life-cuz-I'm-married group, but you know what? It's cool. I am in no rush. I am perfectly fine waiting. I am perfectly content waiting for my Prince Charming (although he is VERY LATE at the moment so he's gonna be in trouble when I do bump into him) to show up in his shiny nice Mazeretti and swoop me off to Bora Bora. Trust me when I say that I am a very patient girl. I do not like being caught in some mad fish-market crossfire. Patience is a virtue. I know the benefits of not settling with every Salman, Lakhwinder or Borat that has crossed my path. Settling is not an option. I know. Do you know why I know? Because I'm not desperate.

So newsflash to the cheating married men: Stop making an ass of yourself. Stop bsing. Stop. I am not as desperate as you.

What you want is not necessarily what I need

I have a couple of massive ulcer-inducing tests until Thursday, so technically I should be studying. However, if I keep this bottled up until Friday, I will most probably explode and disintegrate like the pharmaceutical drugs I'm studying.

So # 3 from last post (pity date) called me over the weekend. I ignored it... and didnt call back.. I know, I'm a bee-yotch.. and then he called me again today while I was washing dishes and making salmon and couscous for dinner (I know I know... I'm hot AND a domestic goddess... WHY am I still single is beyond me!). He explicitly stated in my voicemail that he has something to ask me.. doesn't know if I am ignoring him etc, but he would appreciate me calling him back and answering his question.

I see his caller ID blinking on the phone.. I cringe.. I thought he got the "not interested so going to ignore your calls" message already!! I know I am a fool, but it is now becoming apparent that I date even bigger fools than me. I am so tempted to just hit delete voicemail, but I stop myself.

Maybe I should just call him and tell him 'no way Jose!'. Explain to him that his negativity and whining was such a turn-off. Even tell him that maybe he should have put on some nice non-ripped jeans when he came to meet me. Maybe point out that he should have looked like he made the effort by actually removing his work swipey card that was attached to his belt. Maybe enlighten him by telling him that "weird/dork/jerk" are not really endearing terms to use on a girl, especially if she doesn't get your sense of humour the first time she's met you. Maybe advise him on the finer points of not sounding like a desperado when he claims that the right girl will fix all his problems. You see, so many reasons to call... but my main reason to call would be because... well, I didn't want to lead him on. Quick, snap, cut it.

I mean, I KNOW he likes me. D'oh, considering I am his total opposite hahaha! I know I was supposed to just ignore him ... not call him back... and thus not give him hope by squashing all his future hopes instead... that is what a girl who's smart and who's got game is supposed to do. But as my good friend JT says.. I got no game! I felt awful. I felt pity for him (hence pity date hahahaha). I guess I thought, poor bloke.. he is so lonely. (looooonely... I am so loooonely.. I dedicate Akon's song to you, Pity Date!) The least I could do is explain to him the why nots and not be such a bitch. Show him the door and tell him what he must do to win over a girl. But I also remembered the last few times I called the guys to let them know I wasn't interested... I got yelled at. I am so not ready to be yelled at again by strangers.

So being the glutton for punishment, I called him.

Big mistake.

Pity Date is so happy to hear from me! HOORAY, he shouts over the phone! Claims how he cried the whole weekend after not hearing back from me... yes, drama queen, he was joking, haha. But y'know, knowing him.. I'm pretty sure he PROBABLY did cry. Yikes. Halp. And then tried to make dumb jokes. To which I wasn't very encouraging. And then he tried to feel me out. As in what I was planning to do over the next few days. I told him I was drenched in exams. Which is so true.

I tried SO HARD to tell him, listen, buddy, NO. It is at moments like this that I wished Real Life Isheeta was more like Blog World Isheeta. Alas, no.

I said a few half-hearted yeah's and no's... made a lot of clanking sounds with the dishes... subtlety does not suit me. I felt awful. I couldn't get my heart to tell him what he already knew, because it was obviously clear the bloke is in denial. I think he is frustrated. And tries too hard.... or not at all. I don't know. How do you deal with someone who has already fucked it up the first time?

I am just not excited by him. Not motivated to meet him at all or even look past his first few glitches. I think he will bore me stiff because I don't think he ventures out of the house to do anything remotely exciting. Yes, he will probably give me the world cuz he sounds loaded and all, but he will bore me stiff with his "please love me or I will cry" attitude.

Oh well. I guess I'll have to look past it. Life goes on. He'll get over it. Maybe he'll meet someone nice one day. I hope he does.

I, on the other hand, need to grow a backbone. Discover the world out there that needs to be conquered.

Or occupy myself with other shit on my plate.

Namely, my 50 year-old prof who asked me for my number today.

Yep. Oh fuckitty fuck. My life possibly couldn't get any better than this.