Honesty vs. Reality

I remember when the guy who seemed perfect husband material .. on paper... dumped me.

Before we met, we wrote many emails to each other. He called when he said he would. He made me laugh. He was cute. And funny. God, give me an ugly one-legged pirate any day over a rich sourpuss. As long as he knows how to laugh about life, I'm good.

Then we met. And it got better.

Why husband material? He loved kids. And with girls, you just know once you kiss a guy if he'll... err, do it for you for the long haul. I realize now that with guys its a little different. You need maybe a little more. Like fucking around.

So he wanted to fuck around, and I guess I really liked him, so... I said no.

And then it was like pulling teeth to even see him again. All the tell-tale signs were there. Making all the right excuses to avoid seeing me. Cutting me off mid-way during phone convos. Little hints that he was busy with work and friends' parties. His decline of my event invitations. I knew all of the signs. I just didn't want to accept it though. Well, not so much, some excuses were new to me... like being sick. WHO the hell stays sick for a month? I still accepted. Maybe he had a weak immune system, even for a guy that skydived and motorcycled...I wanted to believe. Like a typical girl in la-la land, I was ignoring the fact that I was the one initiating calls, texts, emails, the works.

Then one day, while I was in class, he called me. I was so crazy about him, I left the class to pick up his call. And when I told him that I was in between class, he laughed, called me silly and said to go back to class and call him when I was done.

I called him as soon as I was done class. I just didn't want to miss my golden opportunity. I mean, he *wanted* to talk to me! I was finally getting through to him! See, guys *can* be changed! After a few months of trying to get through to him, I was finally getting there!

And of course this is when he dumped me. It was pretty pathetic when you think about it. The only time he ever made an effort with me, was when he wanted to stop seeing me. I guess that was Guys 101 to me - guys aren't stupid when they don't call - they're just selective.

He made up some cock-and-bull story. I don't remember what it was, it must've been stupid cuz I can't even remember. I remember he was struggling with his words, and me trying to be the next Mahatma Gandhi, I thought I would take a stab at it.

I remember locking my door, sitting on my bed, and thinking to myself, wow, I can't believe I'm getting dumped. as. we. speak. There was a first time for everything, and it was happening before my very eyes. I was thinking how I had told him previously that I was a firm believer in honesty - how if you're someone in a relationship, and you don't feel for someone, that maybe there is no point in dragging it out, that maybe you should just say it. Its just better to say it instead of letting someone assume everything is roses, because it hurts shitloads after you have assumed so much, as opposed to when you have had no time to assume. I remember thinking "damn, honesty hurts shitloads and I'm not sure if I'll try this honesty business again because... isn't honesty NOT supposed to hurt? Isn't honesty supposed to fix everything, because you just get it out?! Honesty is supposed to fix everything, everything damn it, including the common cold, cancer, acne, stupid drive-through cashiers who always mess up the change!

I remember he was struggling with his words. He was saying things like, I really like you and you're an amazing person and a whole lotta clichés that you hear in Degrassi TV. I remember I was just swallowing air and trying to hold back the lump in my throat (such a drama queen, yes!) and thinking far far ahead as to how I was going to disappoint my mother yet again. Dammit, I can write pages and pages of politics that will keep one amused for decades but why is it that I couldn't keep someone interested in me long enough to want me for a few decades?! I remember trying to focus on his words, but they were so empty and so ridiculously clichéd that it was really easy to just go to la-la land.

I finally decided to be Mahatma Gandhi and told him that I'll make it easy for him. I told him that if he didn't feel for me in that way, its ok. I think he felt stupid when I took the Braveheart route. I told him that hey, I respected him more for telling me the truth. I told him that hey, maybe we can be friends. I even told him that I could be his wing buddy! I told him that I had some friends I could hook him up with. I told him so much crap that his head must've been swimming in a pool of diarrhea. I couldn't help it. I was afraid that if I stopped talking, I would break down and the lump in my throat would stop being a lump and somehow cause me to convulse and spew out salty tears. I knew that if I hung up the phone, I would cry like a moron and I didn't want to cry like a moron. I wanted to just pretend that being dumped by the guy who you had seen yourself introducing your parents to minutes earlier was one of the most normal, casual things in the world - like going to the gym, and I would just go back to sleep after I was done with the phone.

I didn't go back to sleep after I hung up. I cried like a baby in my pillow. I questioned my looks, my brains, my personality, my career, my lips, my hairbrush, my shoes, my camera, my stuffed animals, my clothes, my damned cat. I cried very quietly, in my pillow, in the dark. My mum, being psychic to her daughter's emotional needs, suddenly came into my room, and just started asking me a lot of questions. In between my sobs I told her. She hugged me and holding me in her arms just offered the only solution my mom has to this day to life's problems - Come to Dubai. Which I think made me cry even more, hahahahaha.

I don't know why I suddenly had to recount this story. I have since gotten over that moron. He wasn't a nice guy, in fact, he was a jackass. He was one of those memorable jackasses, those that teach you a thing or two about how you should stop being so damn gullible and start being more cagey with your heart.

I guess that story reminded me about honesty. How I had taken the initiative to being more honest with myself, my life, and expected the same from others. How I was tried of running away from people, and never really saying what I meant to such people. How I had decided that if I were to be more honest with others, I would get the same in return. I have since learned that you can be honest, but not tooooo honest at the same time. Because sometimes the truth does hurt, and not everyone can handle it, nor are they willing to welcome it nor accept it nor acknowledge it. There is a fine line with being polite to people and saying things for the sake of saying it - 'filtered honesty' to people that you don't necessarily know but you have to govern yourself in such a way around them so as to project that air of transparency, and ensuring they see that side of you in your character that spells your inevitable trustworthyness.

At the same time, while doing so, you fail to give a part of yourself that may have opened doors you weren't aware of. By restricting ourselves to this 'honesty filter', we may be holding back on our own chances of getting what we want if we were to be completely open to someone. I mean, to even tell someone these days that you like someone is one form of this. You might as well kill yourself if someone you like knows you like them, because the likee will freak out knowing he/she(liker) is the object of your affection. I know this is a really utopian thought, and I can see a lot of people rolling their eyes, so I'm going to shut up now, and really, lets face it... I don't know ANYONE who has been completely honest and has gotten everything they needed. In fact, by being less honest, it is probably more realistic to assume that one gets everything they want instead. 

People seem so perfect on paper. We read what's in front of us, and it is in our gut instinct to believe everything initially... to take that person for face value...for a split second. And then if we've been fucked around a little too often, we question it. Cynicism did not just spawn out of happy, utopian experiences. Cynicism is usually borne from a myriad of dog-eat-dog experiences in a crazy world. Its a survival tool, if you don't want everybody to walk all over you. And cynicism is going to come in handy when you don't want to be faced with a barrage of smoke and mirrors. Sometimes its necessary. Cynicism helps you look past things like apparent 'honesty' to look past a possible façade. Sometimes that may include ... making up little white lies.  To get your foot in the door.  And that's when you have a scenario when everything looks good on paper.

Just like how Prince Charmings look good on paper, until you expose the fraud. Just like how.. résumés look great on paper....

Until one day, the recruiters actually call you for a damn interview, because it seems my résumé finally looks good on paper.. and you realize you're the shit that's gonna hit the fan VERY SOON!

Comments

[Farah]

Some men are odd aren’t they? I am going through my own strange little tunnel at the moment. I wonder if they would care if they realised that we had shed an ocean-full of tears for them? But at least we have learnt from it… at least...

[Nazia]

What often looks too good to be true, usually is. A man who looks superb and perfect on paper, you have to wonder why he is still single... because form what I have noticed is that the good men get taken very early. The leftover ones are the ones looking for a booty call to pass time until he marries his underage virgin bride, leaving the self-respecting girls who say no to booty-calls, and are no longer under 20, with a broken heart.

[Amir]

Perhaps I should not be commenting on this post ;) But, I think if you choose to be open, be damn sure he is being open as well. If a man can honestly open up to you then that says a lot. Its been a long road since I got married and had kids and the works and here I am, a statistic that I never thought I would be. We tough it out, it makes us better people, the hardships we endure, gives us wisdom. So think of yourself as wise, and not screwed :)

Don't worry, you'll get a job soon.

[Mangomo]

Ive been a lurker for soooo long reading from my safe little bloglines window but finally my laziness compelled me to click over here and say, I LOVE READING YOUR BLOG!

ummm, thats all!

-m

[Blogga Please]

>And with girls, you just know once you kiss
>a guy if he'll... err, do it for you for
>the long haul. I realize now that with guys
>its a little different. You need maybe a
>little more. Like fucking around.
>So he wanted to fuck around, and I guess I
>really liked him, so... I said no.

Err.. I'm confused. If you really think you can tell by kissing a guy if he'll do it for you, and if you believe that "guys need more" to know, then why'd you flash him the chastity belt?

While I'm all for establishing your own line of comfort, I do think sexual compatibility is a legitimate concern, for men and women. Sounds like this guy wanted to find out if your personal/social compatibility extended to sex, and that you understood this, and said no cigar. That's a legit reason to move on, in my book.

[Tas]

Back from Cali and your posts made me smile!

This ass**** sounds just like a desi guy a friend of mine dated for a bit. He dumped her for the exact same reason..wonder if the same jerks go around screwing up desi girls everywhere.
Stay away from desi guys is all I can say.

Been fighting a flu but will call you soon. K?

[Sim]

tas -which friend? :)

isheeta -- so the trouble with some guys/people is that they use their "honesty" as a weapon. Because they're "honest", they feel like they can say whatever, whenever. And often get away with whatever shenanigan they're up to!

[Isheeta to Farah, Nazia, Amir, Mango, Blogga Please, Tas, Sim]

Wow, what a shitload of comments. AND I mean that in the nicest way. Right, lets get down to it.

Farah - lesson 1 in Man 101. Do not shed tears for men when they are alive. Only when they are dead. This was how the phrase "tears of joy" was born.

Nazia - True. The latter part you mentioned is restricted to just desi men. Don't exclude the rest of the Man World by the world.

Amir - Men are not open. About anything. Women are. About...well, u know. This is how they get screwed, literally and metaphorically.

Mango - I want to eat you actually. Hope this is ok with you. (I like you too).

Blogga Please - first, to quote Paris Hilton (sorry God) - your reasoning is hawt. Second, I flashed him the chastity belt because I made the cardinal sin of being a human being - I gave him the benefit of the doubt that he had a working brain. Third, damn right it was good enough reason to move on. Actually, like you said, the fact that he was a dentist shouldve given it away a loooong time ago.

Tas - it was lovely seeing u yesterday!

Sim - funny how you say honesty is their weapon. And here I was thinking their penis was. haha. Oh god such a bad joke. How would I feel if the female organ was always the butt of jokes. Ok, sorry to all men, you know I love you all (when you dont fuck with my head).