Of men

Sometimes I feel.... no, I wish, I wish I was born a man.

Let's face it - somehow God mucked it up when he made me a girl. I mean, I'm sure he intended for me to be born a boy... my mother was already destined to give birth to 4 boys, would another boy have made a difference?

In a way, I'm more of a man than most guys out there even if I say so myself (if you're as strangely aroused as me at this point... you need help.. like me). I mean, I am the most craziest girl I know. One day I got tired of dry eyes so I walked into the laser clinic and the next thing I knew, I was getting my eyes X-Men cyclopsed. I got bored in the summer so I decided to go white whiter rafting.. and skydiving... and rock-climbing. I love sports. I've jumped off cliffs to dive. I've scuba-ed. I've jet skiied. I havent swum with the sharks yet, maybe one day I will. I love getting dirty (as long as its not my hair). I fall asleep on couches with the TV blaring like guys. I love cars. I've travelled *far* to see my guy AND girl friends when they were too cheap/chicken to make the trek. I love super heroes action flicks. I love comics. I love dumb sex jokes. I don't like porn or tech (hey 2 out of 2 million ain't bad). And most importantly, I love girls.

See, I might as well be an honorary man. It's only fair.

I think if I channelled my frustration with guys in a more productive fashion, I would've become some CEO or something. I mean, I waste SO Much of my time with useless shit like relationships. I mean, guys aren't rocket science. Lock. Key. Insert. How bloody hard is that. Not at all. I'm wasting this brain away... thinking like a girl just because I AM a girl. All the years of training and living with boys (my bros) have taught me nothing.

One of my very good friend told me that  I just don't meet the right guy because there just aren't enough men I meet who are man enough to take me on. Ew. What does that mean? How manly am I? I don't look like a man, as far as I can see. I have a nice face. I hope. Pretty eyes. Nice lips. Nose.. needs work. Hair ... debatable. I like my boobs. I like my butt. I like my legs. I even like my abs. I do hate my arms though (1 out of 10 million ain't bad). But then my friend also described me as "earthy", (I do wax, so not THAT earthy) self-confident and I am in a pretty good place, and somehow since that is somehow a whole in itself ie I am not 'fragmented' per se, apparently I scare off people.

Utter bollocks, I say. Isn't that how we all are? How many times do we go upto random strangers, or friends, and describe our innermost flaws? I will most certainly never go outright to the guy I have the hots for and state how much I hate my thighs and how I condemn them every day for not being Cameron Diaz like. He can very well tell me to my face how much he hates them, and proceed to never see me again. That is his job, not mine.

But apparently, that is where the fault lies.

The fact that I just take that for granted.  How can a girl be so utterly blasé about such trivial matters that a normal girl obsessed with the latest fashion mag be pulling out hairs for? But I am not! I just don't show it to people I barely know!

But then the guys I barely know don't know that.

They think I am immune. Invincible. And because of this, like a moth drawing closer to the flame, they hover. They come.

And then once they get to know me, its either sink or swim.

I have figured out that I may be a little.. overwhelming. Not overwhelming in a "ooh look at me Im so hot Im overwhelming". Maybe overwhelming in that I'm sort of there and.. I'm just there. Available. I'm not aloof any more. I'm not something to be ...working hard for any more. I'm not a field to be harvested any more. I'm just .. there. No more novelty. Just plain ol' me.

That sucks. Does that imply I have nothing to contribute anymore? Am I a token wear diapers, go to school, get to a good school, get married, wear diapers, die kinda person? I'm more than that. I have so much to offer. I am someone who will change your life because of my energy, my naivete even in a battlefield, my love for laughs, my innate sense of lovetillyougetjipped syndrome. I like to think for myself. I like to do stuff. I'm grateful for life. And I'm not completely ugly. I'm unique, in my own bubbleworld way.

So then it shouldn't be sink or swim to the dude getting to know me. But inevitably it is. I either get bored... or I become boring.... or guys don't keep up with me. For a plethora of reasons. They can't keep up with the facade. They thought I was someone else and I am not. They just don't fit into my lifestyle and vice versa. All these are the dumbest reasons I have heard. I'm going to go with the one reason I believe in - they're plain dumb.

I am not an enigma. I am as simple as an ABC book. I'm crystal clear. I am more transparent than Sue from Fantastic Four (that was one duuuuuuuuumb, albeit hot, costume). No riddles. How hard can it be to keep up with someone who is not a riddle? I'm so simple. Just like a guy.

Shoulda been born a guy.  I would have been checking out every girl on a Friday night if I was a guy.. instead of spending it composing a post like this.

Comments

[Trever]

As always, you seem like one heck of an attractive package. Being a person who, by your post's description, would think himself a man who should have been born a woman (I'd rather talk about who McDreamy's dating then the who won the Super Bowl and I live to cook...but I do ride motorcycles and like to go fishing). Yet, I find strong women attractive. That being said I'm not a passive person and certainly don't expect, nor want to be walked all over by a strong woman. There are men out there who find the characteristics you describe almost the perfect women. Finding them... well that is another story.
In my own life it just kills me when I go out with a women and she has no opinions on anything, doesn't have any idea what is going on with the world and, worst of all, no goals. Now goals can mean anything from being a stay at home mom to CEO of a Fortune 500 company... but have something.
Who you seem to be is a truly rare person but I can say quite confidently there are men out there who will love that, but they might be a little rare as well.

[Ta^KiLLa]

Hey you..

Absolutely no comment.

I just laughed..

As much as it sounded as a vent of frustration, it was hilarious..

TaKiLLa

[Sim]

Hi Isheeta: I found your blog through Samosa's and love reading it! This post was awesome :) Could relate :)

[Miss Hydro]

found your blog through Mezba's...just wanna say, you practically read my mind in this post. It is hard for any confident, together desi female nowadays (myself included :-) to be understood, especially by guys. Just my two cents: any guy who can't put up with a strong, intelligent woman isn't secure in his own masculinity. Finding a (brown or otherwise) dude who IS secure...now there's the challenge. Either way...we need to keep our heads up and not settle for second best!

[Dreamer]

Excuses for destiny's impediment never brought anyone closer to it.
however i can say that few of you still roam the earth and in time well harvested, with even the tiniest seeds of faith...
your world could spin on another axis :)

[ruby]

I love the way your brain works, you rock! And you should start spending your Friday nights at my place!

[Zen]

I've always fantasized about being a man for a day. I'd just like to know what it's like to feel as if I could actually rule the world.

[isheeta]

Trever - hello!!! it's been a while, how have you been?! There's hope in what you said in your comment.. so I suppose thats a small consolation. At the same time, its disheartening to know that the kind of person I am looking for is as rare as a steak well-done....

TaKilla - yeah a vent.. frustration.. more like disappointment!

Sim & MIss Hydro - hello, hi welcome! Good to know that I'm not the only one out there.. time and time again, newbies always come in and thank me for the same ... so its always refreshing to know, on a rainy day like this, that Im not alone. :)

Dreamer - whoa, deep well-articulated thoughts! thanks!

ruby - careful missy, I might becomes one of those houseguests that NEVER leave! lol

Zen - That's a long order. SOmetimes the reason why I want to be a man is just to figure out how they walk.... with that thing!!! LOL cmon, u must have thought of that!

[NYC RasLila]

as a guy you can't write what you just did, or talk that way with anyone. that would be suicide. and think about it, how many women can be attracted to a guy who had unleashed this on them? it's different for women, you can self-pity and you don't become less attractive to us.