Letting go of your dreams....

... to embrace reality.

This can be a hard sell, I'll tell you that.

Little white girls grow up dreaming of that beautiful wedding gown, hair done in a 'do with wisps of loose strands streaming down a sinewy neck laced with her mother's favourite pearls, her shoulders bare in a strapless wedding gown - sometimes the only bit of mystique being that beautiful but matching thin veil that adorns that lovely head. The setting is either a historic old church set in the countryside, or a garden bedecked with matching white patio furniture with white lilies. The 'wild' ones dream of having something close to the beach with the sun setting in the background and the waves lapping up the lovers' feet.

I grew up envisioning red. Lots of lots of red. And yellow. Not daffodil yellow in beautiful meadows, but the yellow that one associates with gold biscuits. Yep, not the bling that one associates with solitaire diamonds, but the bling that one associates with that tacky 21 carat jewellery. Along with those visions are plastered memories of a crying... no, thats too mild.. how about a sobbing hysterical bride as she is jettisoned off from her parents palatial grounds to a car adorned with roses and marigold. She is not waving to the crowds with a wan smile as she is sent off to her husband's home, carefully hiding her happiness at her honeymoon trip to Jamaica once the wedding guests leave. Rather, she is gazing forlornly at her parents.. and her brothers... and her uncles and aunts and nephews and sister's kids and her high school girlfriends sisters and her 10 auntijies who are all sending out the wrong message during this auspicious day by simultaneously bawling their eyes out at the precious little girl that they have seen grow up and now is bethrothed to a ....*gasp* man.

Is it ANY wonder that I had grown up to despise weddings?

I didn't want to be THAT hysterical girl crying and ruining her monkey make-up!

I come from a family of boys. For the longest time, my dad made sure I had everything that my brothers had, and more. I remember when I was getting my ears pierced (I was 10) and while it was a rite of passage for most young girls, to my dad it was a day with dark clouds. I guess he couldn't get over the fact that his only daughter was just not going to be one of his boys anymore. He began to accept the fact that one day, like all fathers, he would have to give away his daughter to someone else's hand in marriage (amid a sea of hysterical relatives).

I think my dad was sadly off with his timing - I'm sure he expected me to be gone MUCH sooner, but daddy's little girl is STILL home.. so he must be eating his words.

So coming to Canada, living the Canadian dream, graduating with an undergrad, getting Canadian work experience, and assimilating to the Canadian culture and lifestyle (party it up while young, get a good paying job, hanging out with desi buddies), I didn't envision anything less for me. I assumed like all my desi friends, I would meet someone... somewhere... who would sweep me off his feet with his hilarious sense of humour, his dashing personality and good looks, his keen intellect, his love of the East and the West, his zeal for girls with jhumka earrings and sexy shoes, to meet me. To acknowledge me. To accept me. To want me.

Reality couldn't even be close. Reality is not a glorifed camera that zooms into one's dreams with a 30mm camera (???) and focusing only one's emotions. Reality isn't about living up to stereotypical dreams. Reality isn't Hollywood... or Bollywood. Reality is a bloody documentary channel.

Reality does not provide clues to what's right and what's wrong. You can't rewind reality and fix it later. You can only review it once it has happened. Reality is honest, bitter.. not necessarily loving.

Reality, however, is truth.

I am so sorry, mum and dad, for not living up to your dreams. For having stolen that stereotypical bride-in-red vision from you. I'm trying, but....  I don't know if its the fact that I don't have faith in it anymore because I find the whole concept preposterous given the layers of cynicism that shrouds it, or because it is so hard to reach for it now that I don't even know if I can fathom going through that barbed wire again and again and again, for the umpteenth time, just to fulfill this dream that you have to appease your sanity.

Forgive me, but... I must do what I have to do. I must let go of your dreams, and accept my reality.

Comments

[T.]

Wow, what happened to cause this line of thought? There has to be a back story...although I can understand where you are coming from

[Salacious Samosa]

That was a pretty intense post Ish.

And very well written, spot on, witty and seriously heart wrenching.

Listen, your life is not about appeasing your parents, your culture or your hometown. It's about keeping it 'real', finding who the real 'Ish' is and embraching what the real 'Ish' wants.

I spent a long time visiting Karachi trying to inflate and boast about myself like everyone else. I met the guy who matched my ego and came home and dumped the guy I was dating. Thinking that I would have that whole hunky dory lifestyle my family wanted for me.

And now here I am, several years later looking at that experience in hindsight. That dude dumped me like a hot potato becuase he saw that I superficiality was simply a superficiality. That I wasn't a deeply materialistic person, oh and that my Dad didn't own half of Sindh.

Sometimes life keeps throwing us curb balls becuase we're ignoring something incredibly important: ourselves.

Ish, spend some time with yourself, on yourself and try and please yourself. Stop thinking about other people and frustrating yourself with what they believe it right. I know I am one to say, becuase I try and please everyone else all the time. But I know that there is an Ish that's dying to be set free. Fuck everyone, if you like hairy guys from Peru, go for it. If you like blond-blue-eyed Icelandic vikings, go for it!

What have you got to loose?

love you,
S

[Salacious Samosa]

Urgh, that's filled with typos... but you get the point!

[Puja]

Living someone else's dreams as your reality is really hard. Linkin Park's song, Numb, goes perfectly to this situation. You aren't alone trying to live out your parents dreams. I still have to find a way to please them and please my own sanity.

[isheeta]

T - the back story is your everyday run of the mill story for Ish... tired of trying to do the unthinkable to appease the world, and when you think you have the world at your grasp, it falls flat. The back story is thinking you have finallllly made it to that elusive head of desi boys, only to find out that it would take a mountain for one to understand how they think. The backstory is realizing that I could never deliver, within the time frame, that desi dream that every mum and dad has grown up for their precious little kid. The backstory is realizing that I'm just not cut out to be normal, even though I try so hard to be.

If you want to know more, either keep reading or get in touch!

Samosa - thank you for that hunnybunch! what have I got to lose? The realization in knowing that I have let down two of the most important people in my life! Yes they will get over it,but theyre too old to get over it as fast as I do... its heart-wrenching as it is knowing that I can't give em what they want, its worse knowing the bouts of depression I foresee in them knowing Ive picked what I want over them.... maybe I'm just a sentimental old fool.... maybe all this time I have been picking what I want, and hire the state of stagnation that I am/will endure/have been enduring... I dont know. Im just trying to go with the flow, and even that is depresso! Enough of that!

Puja - you and me both, baby!

On a happier note... thank you people! please listen to the song "Pocketful of Sunshine" by Natasha Bedingfield... temporary bouts of insanity will surpass!

[Mezba]

and once again I don't know what to say, except that this was an intense post, and I can imagine the background story and we need to do lunch/dinner some day soon.

[TaKiLLa]

From someone whos bein trying to please their parents u shouldbe listening to the master in that art.. ME.. My whole lifesince school has been about them.. Whether THEY'll be proud or not.. Whether THEY'll e happy or not.. Whether THEY'll accept her or not.. Thats why we are where we are today.. Im not saying blame them.. Thats wrong.. Im saying its about time ppl like us need to take a stand.. ANd do wats rite, beneficial, good for OURSELVES...

Just a thought..

[shesgotdattouch]

Isheeta..Takilla

People after my own heart!! It makes me feel better to know that there are other desi kids as fucked as i am!

But the problem is..its the mindset...its been too long and too late..I have been so busy trying to please my parents...i have seriously forgotten what it was that I wanted once.

Takilla..I reckon even if we make that stand we will revert back to thinking what they will think coz we have been doing it for so long.

?

[pi]

no matter what you do, parents will never ever be a hundred percent happy. Its the same everywhere, you cant please everyone, so just make yourself happy. As long as you have a gut feeling about something or someone- only then go for it. Not because you are being pressurized by your parents or friends/colleagues. Initially I was seeing someone, who fit the requirements of my parents - although I knew we were not the most compatible pair, and sometimes you get tricked into mistaking an attachment for love. But we were from the same area, similar education background, similar religious views. Despite all of that, my mom was still not happy and would point out problems with him and his family etc. Which were not exactly wrong, nevertheless is annoying. Finally when we did break up, my mom was like he was alrite, you should have married him. So bottom line is you can't do everything your parents ask you to do. Sure, one should respect them and they are more experienced than you and perhaps do know to some extent what is good for you. However, ultimately, the only person that is able to completely know when things are right or wrong is you. You are funny and smart and you will definetly find someone who is worthy of you!

[Bhanu]

I love your writing style...
Everyone has said things in their comments that I was thinking...
This marriage "ideal" is our culture...it's hard to ignore it.

[Desi Diva]

Ish..
Woah, long time no blog! I finally got my lazy butt back on my blog and then found yours. It feels like deja vu reading your post (and a little bit of karma mixed it, that of all times to read your blog I read your post today). It was the same feeling I had on my blog a couple posts back (i.e "The Talk" post)..and you gave me such great advice and a shoulder to lean on..so now it's my turn..

Girl..first thing..you ARE fantastic, and don't ever let the "I don't have a man" thing get to you. All those men are and should be crying rivers that they don't have THE Ish in their life.

Secondly, I totally get you on the whole Desi Marriage dream sequence. Been there..Still there. Parents will always have dreams for their little girls. Hoping that we can be neatly packaged and shipped to our new grooms before our expiry date. Well, the reality is..it ain't so damn easy..and FedEx won't ship my ass anyway (I think they got tired of waiting!).

As hard as it may be, don't give up. I think someday both you and I will end our soapbox sessions, and will find our hotties for life. And I'm hoping that all these frogs we're meeting, are just making us more wise about what we want and what we don't want. Even though I'm sure we're both wanting the man upstairs to give us a little less "don't want" right about now. (ahem..God..we're talking about you..)

I know that one day you WILL have your dream marriage (and I'm not saying wedding, because we all know that lasts all of one nanosecond), and you'll wake up next to him and not think he's a greasy old school dweeb that wants to change you into a maid/female servant wife. He'll love you for the incredible, smart woman that you are.

So keep whatever dream you have alive. It'll happen. And if perhaps it doesn't..you still got me babe!:)

Y'know, i never understood why my sis didnt get married despite the number of guys that were/are interested. After readin a few of your posts, i now have a slightly better view on her situation - things just dont work sometimes. Thanks ish, for opening up some minds :)

[Dugi]

Ish,
The Desi dream is about keeping up with the Patels/Hussains/Narayan's etc etc. And the whole getting the degree,making the money, buying a massive house, coolest car, having the biggest wedding and popping the light skinnest babies is mostly just keeping up with everyone else- doing it just one better than the person next to you....it's got very little to do with what you really really want and ultimately being happy.
Your dream/goal is to be happy. No matter what/where/who u are with. Your marriage will be a happy and successful one. Not one that was done for convenience sake/ a transaction/ keeping up with the Patel girl/ holding to a non-existent timetable thing that turned out with waking up next to a man you hardly recognise and despise.
Your marriage will be one that people will look up to and wish they had. And the fact that it didn't happen to some fake desi marriage timetable is not going to matter in the long run.
Love u lots.
**hugs**

[Dugi]

p.s did Mezba do the whole arrange marriage thing? Is Mezba is married?

[SG]

Hey Isheeta

Brilliant writing. Sharp and so true - deftly drawing on emotions that, believe me when I say, have been felt by generations of desi kids born and bred in the West.

Now in my mid 30s with a son of my own married to a desi girl (who I had to chase across continents) to agree to marry me -- I ponder am I going to make the same mistakes as my parents. The answer to that is a BIG NO but I am sure we will make mistakes. But I really hope my son never feels that I stood in the way of his happiness. Will save this post as a reminder

I ran away from the UK to the States to do my undergrad cos just had to get out off the clutches of the auntie raj. And pretty much felt the same way about the intense pressure the desi community often puts on their kids.

When I got back I said sod it and I lived my life exactly the way I wanted to - but never let "my dreams" go for their sakes and decided to live to pursue my dreams my way - and that included career, marriage everything.

Word of advice, if I may, do not let go of your dreams as you would only be letting yourself down.

I stumbled on this blog by chance from pickled politics expecting similar stuff. I was so wrong and I am so glad that I did get here.

This was refreshing yet a little sad and I hope may all the dreams that you cherish come true.

All the best

S

btw, if you ever wish to get into media and write -- give me a shout. Take care

[Zen]

Good Lord, I thought you were about to say you've given up and will now accept arranged marriage.

[sophister]

I can almost tell that you are more upset that your dad/parents are "let-down". I am in "proximity" to a similar situation with someone related to me, and it really sucks, but in the end I can see that they are happy where they are, but at the same time sad. I just keep praying that God gives them happiness in their lives, however he wants their lives to play out, so I make the same prayer for you.
Peace.

[AKA]

This is something I'm struggling with right now. While I'm away at school everything is more or less fine - I don't feel the pressure of having to get married (if my mom starts, then it's just simply "wow I'm so sleepy, gotta go mom" or "I have to study."). But I've been home one week and already I feel like I want to go back. I feel like such a disappointment because I haven't been able to fulfill that dream of my parents to get married. My struggle to be a lawyer, which was another one of their dreams, seems to wane in comparison to the pinnacle dream which is to see me decked out in red and gold. To have me "settled".

Since I feel like I'm in the same boat as you, I don't know what kind of encouragement I could give. Only that I believe good things happen to good people. You may have to wait longer and have you patience tested more than you ever though possible, but maybe only in the smallest of ways, good things will happen for you.

[isheeta]

I KNOW People, long overdue... dont know if anyone cares, but here it is!!!

Mezba consider it done, bud.... on your big night! :D

TaKilla - funny, is it entirely possible to go ahead doing what we do... without blaming them? I mean, I don't... I owe them so much as it is.... but taking a stand WOULD mean associating blame to them...

shesgotdatouch - sometimes we forget that maybe theyre a little more understanding than we give them credit for.... as Takilla said, maybe not blame the, but make them understand... in nonconventional ways...

pi - Wow honey, Im sorry to hear about your situation. The difference between parents and friends (when they say the same thing is) that you cant ditch your parents. Maybe it is a lesson for them.. and for you. I wish though the lesson didn't have to come AFTER the deed is done, but then if that were the case, they wouldn't remember it, would they?

Bhanu, Desi diva, Dugi, commentor with sister I have nothing to add except warm hugs and happy thank yous!

SG YOU, my dear, I had to email you...

Zen - no honey, lets not get THAT far.... giggles

sophister thank yoU! im gonna need all the prayers I can get! Gods too busy helping the homeless and the warfare... so maybe yours will help!

AKA I feel for you. But trust me, when you have graduated and surrounded by a field of hot lawyers, you will find your doors have opened up a little wider... a professional desi woman is better than a nonprofessional desi woman, and I only say this because that is what the stereotypical auntijis would say. So if you want to compare the nonstereotypical way, think HOW MUCH WIDER the doors will be open for you. My words of encouragement :)